To be in a room surrounded by people yet no one knows you’re in despair. To open your eyes and see others close each to touch yet no one can help you. This is exactly what I go through every time I have a bad moment in class. There really is no way to explain that pain, it truly is so awful. It takes me back to the helplessness I felt when I was attacked. There in that parking lot, knowing there were hundreds of cars around us, knowing there were thousands of people in that building yet there was no one to help, no one to rescue me. In these moments my hope is in the clock. To know that I will only endure being trapped in this moment for however many seconds or minutes even though they drag on and feel like an eternity.
The tough part is that even once that moment on the mat is over the emotions and fear it has built up is still very present. I try and pull it together enough to shield others from seeing the pain in my eyes. To reassure them I’m okay even as I have tears rolling down my cheeks. I know it hurts those who love me to know I’m hurting, unable to take the pain away. I think that’s a big part of why I try and hide it. As much as I want someone to just embrace me and love on me while I cry and let those emotions go I just can’t bare to put that on them. I had protected so many from knowing this hurt for so long that I still struggle with letting them in on my vulnerable moments. I have been blessed with such great friends that love me and want to be there for me, now I just have to let go of trying to protect them and let them help me continue to heal by loving me in these moments.