It’s been a while since I had a ‘bad’ night. So when this past week when I found myself in that place I was caught completely off guard. Suddenly I was reminded how painful it is, how terrifying it is and the strength it takes to get through it. I forgot how hard it is to try and convince myself that I’m okay. The argument I have inside my head when I feel like I’m under attack but I know I am in a safe place yet I can’t convince my mind of it. I close my eyes in an attempt to escape mentally but then open them in hopes of making eye contact with my coach because I need a rescuer, because I so desperately want it over but my mind and my body aren’t connecting. It is this awful moment that seems like an eternity. I thought I had hit a point where these moments were a part of my past, a part of my journey I had been healed and delivered from.
These moments are the only thing that ever puts the idea of quitting in my head. These are the moments that truly take everything I have to continue, to come back another day. I don’t think anyone can really understand the strength it takes to return to the mats each day knowing you are potentially going to end up in a place that is your worst nightmare. Know that I absolutely LOVE Jiu Jitsu! It really has changed my life! Every class I learn that much more, get that much better, build that much more confidence, eliminate fears and through that I have healed old wounds more than I ever imagined possible. Has it been easy? NO, not in the least but I continue coming back because I know I am meant to be here. It has been a difficult yet amazingly rewarding journey. This week was a bump in the road not a road block. I still trained every single day. Did I have to pick and choose my training partners carefully? Yes. Was I conscious to not do things that may make me end up in certain positions? Yes. Did I need my coach’s presence to get through class? Yes. And you know what, all of that is okay! I’ll keep doing whatever I need to do to continue this journey and stand in faith knowing that soon enough these moments will be a part of my past.