People always say we are our own worst enemies, our own worst critics. I never really believed it, at least not for myself. Then I started journaling… I had to face the truth on how much I beat myself up and how hard I am on myself. I started journaling aid in my healing process and in hopes to find a common factor that resulted in those ‘bad moments’. Was it a stressful day at work, me not feeling well, having an injury? Was there anything that happened regularly on the days I had a ‘bad moments’. If I could find a common factor then I could avoid having to continue going through them or at least reduce the risk by choosing my partners or level of rolling or even taking the night off. I have not found that common factor yet or maybe there are several things that set me up to endure these moments. Being sick or injured, not being 100% is definitely an issue as I go in already feeling vulnerable but there have been times when I feel great and it still happens. Sometimes people give off vibes, I go in to class already feeling off or I end up in a position that triggers a memory or feeling. There are many scenarios that have played out prior to a bad night.
One thing that has been a revelation to me through journaling though is how I react after those nights/moments. The negative thoughts that go through my head, how I process them and how I allow them affect me is definitely an issue I had to acknowledge and address. If someone I loved, a friend, a teammate went through the exact same situations I did, I would NEVER think of them what I think of myself. The things I would say to show them support and love, to encourage them was far different from what I tell myself. So while I haven’t quite pin pointed where it all begins, while there may still be uncomfortable moments that I can’t control I have figured out how to redirect my thoughts and be a lot more gentle with myself after. I’m learning how to love myself as I would love others which has made leaps and bounds of improvement for how it affects me and for how long it affects me after it happens and that’s a pretty big step forward in my healing.