What a roller coaster of a week!!! It’s hard to describe how I can love a sport so much and at times feels like I just can’t do it anymore. It has brought me so much freedom but at the same time can take me to such dark places. I can be on the highest of highs and the next moment I’m fighting through my greatest nightmare. I try to convince myself I’m okay, I’m in a safe place, everything is fine just push through it. Sometimes it works and other times not so much, the decision to push through can be a costly one. In that moment I find myself in survival mode, the memories and feeling that flood my mind are overwhelming; afterwards the anxiety of reliving that event again brings thoughts of quitting. I have to stop and ask myself is reward greater than the risk? Is the reality that I may have to go through a moment like that again worth it? The truth is YES! In the end for me it’s always worth it.
These thoughts or moments are not a sign of weakness. Me fighting though, going back the next day, finding that will in me to continue; these moments show my strength. I know with every setback I come out the other side stronger. I know the setbacks are fewer and further in between and have faith they will soon be no more. I know every day I’m breaking through even more, I’m finding myself and finding my freedom through Jiu Jitsu. I refuse to let any setback big or small take away from the progress I’ve made. I have been making huge strides and am in a great place both mentally and technically. My final fight this past weekend showed my heart, it showed others just how much fight this girl has in her. That fight, the overcoming, the comeback, all the mental toughness that I had to use to pull through it is minor in comparison to what I have overcome this far. The battles that no one sees are where my strength pulls from. For those close to me who saw the tears this past week. For my best friend who got my text in that moment of anxiety that said “I think I’m done, I just can’t keep doing this” just days ago. For myself to know I had hit a point where I almost broke but fought through and reset my mind to step on the mat the next day. The smile on my face at the end of that 15 minute match meant so much more to us than anyone else in the room watching that day.