It’s amazing to look and see how much I’ve grown. To reflect on where I was and how far I’ve come, how much I’ve overcome. Yet one moment or event sheds light on how far I still have to go….
At what point am I truly able to say that what happened to me or the people involved have no control over any portion of my life? As much as I have overcome what happened to me I cannot say it does not have any control on me or my life. At times I wonder if that day will ever come, if full closure and healing is even possible. I am happy with my progress especially over recent months and stand strong in faith knowing that I’m still progressing in my healing. My desire for true and full freedom burns stronger every day. I want to be able to just say ok to my daughter going to hang out with her friends at the GSR any TRULY be okay with it! I want to be able to park in the parking lot there without being overcome with fear and anxiety. I want peace in the night and to finally be set free from nightmares! Not just at times or in waves but all the time. Will the details of events that took place and their faces and voices ever be removed from my memory?
Deep down I know there is no way to forget no matter how much I want to. However, I firmly believe it is possible to break the power it has on me. I’ve been braking through pieces of it all these years. In the beginning life didn’t carry value to me anymore. I knew I was making bad choices in an effort to deal with or forget what had happened but didn’t really care what the consequences of those actions would be. Death was not a fear for me at that time, living through what I was going through was the difficult part. I overcame that and I’ve been overcoming ever since, piece by piece, one step at a time. It didn’t take me long to remember my life had value and I was here and survived this for a reason. Even though something bad had happened to me there was still so much good in the world and I needed to focus on those things, live for those things. I’ve lived life to the fullest and loved without hesitation ever since.
It’s not one battle to get through; it’s one event that produces thousands of battles along the way. Every battle I win I come out the other side that much stronger! Until recently I fought my battles in solidarity, not allowing anyone to know the darkness from my past. Then I crossed paths with couple of beautiful souls I could allow to walk my journey with me. These friends, my angels in disguise and the support they have given me has produced the strength needed to push further, dig deeper and fight harder than I ever imagined. Someday we will sit and celebrate the victory of complete freedom and I think that day is so much closer than any of us even realize!